Sifting through the Ashes to find my bra

I spent some time over the holidays with my Women's Rights are everything cousin. Listening to her admonish me for giving my son a white marshmellow and his girl cousin a pink one, I thought how much hard work it is to have such strong beliefs. I recently have increased my work hours as the kids become a little older, lying in bed exhausted in evenings have made me wonder about these so called equal rights.
Did these hairy legged bra burning women think about what they were doing to the next generation; could there have been a man behind it all, railing these women up while he sat back and laughed? Here we are 20 years on from her marching at rallies, are we better off?
I find myself not only feeling the instinctual guilt over not being the best mother, but now I have added to that the guilt of not fulfilling my potential in society and not contributing financially equally to my partner (and realised just called him partner vs. husband). So if I choose career and motherhood that means working a full day and week, leaving my kids for majority of the time with a caregiver, that is good at her job but would rather be spending all day with her own kids as opposed to mine, or I have option of a creche with all the other working mom's kids. This is being done too early for the mother instinct to have evolved out of me, so all the time at work I am feeling guilt over not being there for my kids, no time to prepare show n tell, or have play dates ... This is why I chose not!
Many women are also then coming home in the evenings to a stressed Dad that is frustrated and depressed that he is not fulfilling his potential or financial obligations as there are now 50% less jobs and opportunities for men in the workforce.
Could it be time to compromise? Could it even out? Can it be equal without having to do same jobs? We probably needed to have burnt the bra's so that we could move forward then soon settle back. Until then I will stay home with boys in the day; work more and more in the free hours; and just read all the fantasy porn about being submissive to my husband...

Does The Hulk have green pooh's?

Does The Hulk have green pooh's? This is a random thought of a 4 1/2 year old boy while driving on a Sunday. I tried counting the other day how many times in a day I heard the words pooh and butt, it is not possible. Especially when the count is doubled by the 22 month old parrot that then runs around shouting " pooh pooh pooh".
It was really stressing me out in the beginning that my son vocabulary now only consisted of 2 words.  I was impressed at how he was able to integrate the word butt into every single discussion. First line defense was stop it now before it progresses to other words. Each attempt exponentially increased the volume. Not working as giving words attention. Second line defense, ignore the problem as if did not hear it. Worked for a while but no real improvement. Going to bed singing the homemade pooh butt song not good for the sole. Reading an ecard about Men that think about sex every 9 seconds or some stat like that, got me thinking that it clearly starts at young age, only topic is butts. Yip! Instead counting words, took note of space between the thoughts. 9 second intervals is quite accurate.
New game plan! Not gonna change nature so use to my advantage. Some concerns about perpetuating a cycle rather than stopping it, no, my needs first. " I am not bathing today, moan whine ..." Lets try a language you understand, " get your stinky pooh butt in the bath you pooh pooh head" not proud of myself, but this laughing happy child ran and jumped in the bath. Tested it in various situations and have not failed to get a smile and action.
My private strategy in place and a happy home we continue on. Play dates are designed to expose, shame and make you so happy that you are not alone. Listening in to interaction of my son's friend and his mom made me smile, " pooh pooh head mom butt butt ... " . The mom turned to me, apologised for her son, with the defeated look of I don't know what to do. I smiled, turned and kissed my poop head boy while he still lets me.

Coffe please! Hold the babychino

I was lying on my couch on Sunday afternoon in my half hour Dad's home and grandparents are here bliss. My mom in law offered to make coffee and tea. Despite my horizontal bliss I jumped up, dont be silly I will make it. Partly because it is polite to make guests coffee but largely because I have come to cherise my coffee time, and tea drinkers dont make good coffee.
One of my favourite times of day is around 11h30, oldest at school and toddler is down for day nap, and I make myself coffee. Something I have learnt the hard way and is a teaching point in my antenatal and postnatal classes is the timing of the cup of coffee. As you sneak out of the room avoiding the creaky floor board, silently close the door and take a deep breath; you might be tempted to do the chores before you sit down, DON'T! Dont unpack the dishwasher or do invoices or anything else. Turn on the kettle, sit down enjoy your coffee first because may be the only time you get.
Even at a restaurant that hot yummy cappuchino can be elusive. All is going well until the waiter arrives with the cup in hand. Your kids appear out of no where, they were happily playing on jungle gym 30 seconds ago, now they are on your lap with spoons in hand. The invention of baby chino's has done wonders for the hot cup of coffee. Sugar all over the table, half milk spilt at least you get a fighting chance at that coffee.
Forget the chores, forget work and just sit and have your coffee.

Mothers Guilt Oh She Is A Bitch!

I heard my one year old waking from his midday sleep and I quickly ran and gave the maid the monitor and bolted for the car. Well sleep is a strong word, when it takes an hour to put him to sleep and 20 min later he is awake again, I think power nap is a better description. Jump in car and rush out the garage. I dont even make it to the gate when the guilt hits me with full force. I stop the car and decide if I should go back and get him, I then think that it will take 15 min to get him changed and in car then I will be late in fetching my 4 year old from school and he will be upset. I decide that just keep going as quicker without him.
Guilt is a subject of my thoughts a lot these days. I got so upset watching Private Practice the other night, here I am running out on my son and these people, yes on TV, daughter has been stolen and they might never get her back. I should spend every waking (which is more than necessary) moment with my boys.
Then I have good days, my son arrives at school on dress up day, dressed in his home made Peter Pan outfit and all teachers gush over the inventiveness of costume and applaude me for the simple outfit that he clearly helped me make. With a beaming heart I look at other kids costumes, then I see the kids whose parents did not dress them up today. The sad looks on their faces makes me want to cry. I am not sure why they are not dressed up, did the parents forget, were they too busy, do they lack means or simply not care. I wish I could have brought extras for them. On way home I wonder if my guilt on leaving my son for 20 mins, or not putting them to bed every night when I work nights or the worst is that monthly book club drinking guilt laced wine, is actually selfish because most parents dont have options. Their kids have to go to creche or spend all day with the nanny. Maybe the guilt is heightened because of this, I dont work so I should spend all day uncomplaining with my kids.
Chatting to a few other moms I notice it is not uncommon. Guilt over working, not working, sending kids to school early as baby 2 is on the way, not breastfeeding, having a c-section, not carrying baby to term, not allowing teenager to go to party ... Even my mother still has guilt and we are all grown up feeling guilt over our own kids.
All the websites, someecards, psychologists, FB pages and those in the know say forgive yourself you doing a good job, but sure that I will run out on my kids, hide in the bathroom and continue to feel guilty.

A cupcake ate the carwash man

Driving with little ones can be bitter sweet. You can think of it as being confined to small area with singing, screaming, non stop talking and straining neck and back to retrieve the items lobbed at your head from the back; on the other hand it can be the only 15 min in the day that the kids are strapped in and they cant go anywhere, so you can relax and listen to radio with kids as white noise in back. Leaving the house is usually the hardest part, even if it is for a 5min drive down the road. bags are packed and all necessary items are in the car. Start by finding dogs to put them outside to avoid them running out garage and spending 15 min getting them back. Now time to find the kids who have now started a new game and reluctant for the outing. Next best thing is to offer that they continue the game in the car, so help them lug all the necessary items into the car. So have 4 year happy and in the car, strapped in and ready. The 1 year old has now been distracted by fun stuff in garage and sees you coming to take him away and strap him in. He runs, hides and basically perfects the goose step to avoid all attempts. STOP, just turned this into a game. New approach. BYE we going and you will have to stay with the dogs by yourself. Separation anxiety has its pro's and as much as you hate exploiting your kids weakness, there comes a time that necesssary. Ok 2 kids strapped in and ready to go. 1 year old is now parched due to avoidance game. Forgot juice, so back in house, make 2 non spill juice cups as not coming back. Ready, lets go. 4 year old now finds his packed lunch for outing and starts to tuck in. Very kindly shares his treasures with his brother who is not so good at confining crumbs. Start the car. Sighhh, a little time, listen to news, a song that does not have actions no no the nagging from back starts so not worth it, I put in their cd and just resort to enjoying my thoughts rather than the radio. Mmmmm too quiet in back followed by joyful giggles and ... Mom he spilled! Yes 1 year old has taken lid off the childproof spill free cup and is pouring it all over. No no no, too late. His comment "pour" "gone". So, lets focus on head, shoulders knees and toes safer than all else. Destination reached, errand done, back in car. Getting back into car often easier than going first time so lets just get home before hunger starts to cause melt downs. Trip home has own challenges, you have to keep toddler awake without bribing food that will spoil dinner and drink is slowly glueing itself to upholstery. Trip spent pointing out Diggers, trucks, cement mixer, MOTORBIKE! You look back to ensure eyelids remain open and he is eating a cupcake. Where on earth did that come from? Yes party on weekend had those cupcakes, it clearly was not eaten on way home and missed by the dogs scrap hunting welcome party. 4 year old is torn between that is groce and " I want a cupcake". It is the time in the day when you weigh up the tantrum of removing it vs. turn a blind eye and pretend never saw it! Yip, you decide that take car to carwash in morning before it gets condemned and will give child extra probiotic and all will be good! What makes life worth living is the look on face of the carwash man when he opens the door! Starts with price, Polo is small car so R35 for wash and vacuum and decide to pay R10 for dash polish. They wash the outside and then you pull into vacuum bay and as open back doors, PRICELESS! Key is never return to same carwash twice in a row. Happy driving!

Up up up DOWN

Before the boys came I would watch Jackass and like and wonder why! Now I have discovered the answer, they are boys. The worst moment in your baby life is when hear the apnea mat alarm, you are in the room at vampire speed. I found my youngest at 9 months hanging off side of cot having climbed over and out. Determined to keep at least 1 of my kids in the expensive cot, I put him in a sleeping bag and made my husband drill new holes to lower cot a extra cm. just made the game more of a challenge. Giving up packed up the cot and put him on a matress on floor. In morning I hear screeching, go into the room and he is not in the bed! A satisfied laugh makes me look UP, yes he has climbed up the burglar bars to the top of the window and now of course is stuck. This trend continues and gets worse. Not just 1 but 2. Cooking supper, baby sleeping oldest in park with friends. Monitoring him by the sound of scooters up and down the road. Then I hear lets go slide, I stick my head out and see them playing on fireman pole and slide, acceptable. Minutes later it is too quiet so I peak out again, these boys are at the top of slide with scooters discussing the logistics of going DOWN the slide riding them. NO NO NO! The problem with younger siblings is they underestimate their abilities vs the older. My now 18 month old climber feels he has mastered the jungle gym all except fireman pole, easy, hold step slide. I help him a few times and all good, but mom helping is not cool. Saying cheers to my oldest at school, little monster before I can get to him, drops at terminal velocity to bottom of the pole. He stands up, dusts himself off, looks at me with half tears, half smile. As there is no permanent injury I am chuffed that he has learnt a lesson. Carry on with my parent teacher chat and I look up and AGAIN. I promptly leave before child welfare is called. Sitting at a 7 year old party on the Saturday chatting about how my boys may not live to 7 birthday while watching kids slide down the giant slip n slide into the pool. A bit later I look up and yes, all the dads are on the slide, but they have body boards to stand on sure that this will be fun, no the kids scooter now that will be better! Luckily in mid 30's men have beer bubbles to help avoid injury. It became clear that my boys would probably make old bones even if it is with a couple of pins!

Sunny Puddle Days

On most days I consider myself a reasonably good mother. There is one area that I fall very short of the expected bar, that is when the opportunity arises for my boys to have fun. Yesterday was a typical example. Evening routine was going as usual. Supper happend a little earlier than usual because there are days when boys just can't wait. Cooking spaghetti bolognaise while your 4 year old is playing soccer in the kitchen and your 1 year old has discovered the joy of the microwave, you push a button and light comes on, plate turns and every 10 seconds makes this beeping sound, is something only a mom could cope with. Despite every talk from dietician and books on healthy eating, I turn on the TV to ensure that food goes down before next game pops into their heads. Now my biggest challenge of the day is getting boys to bath. I bribe them with the idea of putting pots and pans and some kitchen utensils in the bath to ensure that bubble bath cappuccinos and soapy soup is properly prepared. Pyjamas on and planning our last game before Dad gets home and we start to quieten down, when we hear a noise that sends excitement into the room. After a hot hot day the Highveld often rewards us with a storm. With an eager look my 4 year old says please can we have an umbrella. We play on patio during the heavy storm and as soon as it lightens up, I just cant resist their pleading faces and the pure joy I will see if I let them go. A real mother would say no, you have bathed and in PJ's and it is hour before bed so NO! Instead I grab their wellinton boots, an umbrella and we head for the garage for other goods that will make this fun. Out we go, 4 year dressed in policeman hat, Spiderman PJs, blue wellinton boots and on his scooter. 1 year old wearing red wellington boots, Winnie the Pooh PJs and a fireman hat. For the next 45 min we splash, stomp, wet each other, skid through large puddles and fall lots. Dad arrives home to the 3 of us looking rather soaked but with red cheeks and smiling faces. The part makes me judge myself is the looks and comments from the people that live in our complex, in their cars rushing to get inside. Most felt that my children would need to be hospitalised soon due to fact that rain contains bacteria and viruses that should be avoided at all costs. Just as I am about to call timeout on the fun and succumb to the pressure, the most beautiful rainbow appears in the sky, it occurs to me that out of all 45 houses, my kids were the only ones that got to experience that today! Towelled off, dry PJs, big smiles we all went to bed happy that night! Reflecting on my decisions of the day, I always think about what I will wish I had done in when my boys are grown and with their wives, and that is when I am sure that I made the best choice.